You & Me.

So I'm not going to delete this LJ but I'm done with writing in it for now too. If you choose to read anything you can find me at :

teammonica


Chow.

After majority of yesterday I was so pissed off that I was about to pray for my dad to get a job in Bangor. And right now I still feel that way about this place. I'm so tired of everything that goes on here. It sucks so bad. But then I start thinking about how much I'd miss people here and it makes it harder. No matter how much I get pissed off at my "friends" here I'd miss them a ton being that far away. Ugh this is just fustrating.. My dads wanted this move for so long so if he gets it I don't want im to decide against it because of me.. He flat out said he wasn't leaving me here so if I say I don't want to go he wont go and I can't do that to him. But even if I moved I can still visit all of my friends, granted it may not be that often but it would happen.. But what's really killing me is the thought of moving and being so far from Daniel.. It's like last weeks drama all over again only this time it could be me leaving, not him. Urrrghhhh. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry... But it makes it even harder when I hear more stuff.. Like for instance, he told Veronica to call me to go out last night.. But of course stupid me I didn't freaking answer my phone! *kicks self* Its like more and more he comes around and if I leave I'm never going to see him unless he's still here when I come to visit. Gah this is fustrating!

So my dad found out that one of his new managers knows someone that works at the commissary in Bangor, Maine... So he's trying to find out if theres any openings and if there is he's going for it.. So if things go well I may not even be here by the end of the year. But its still up in the air. In a way I'm dying to move but in a way I'm not.. For one.. I'd be leaving my friends here, my honey is here.. I'd be moving to a place where I know absolutely no one.. But at the same time the people in Maine are nicer, the weathers nicer.. I'd be only a couple hours away from my dad's side of the family. Urgh. It has its pros and cons.. I'm just so tired of Yuma, I'm tired of the people here, I'm tired of this job. It just sucks. I want out.. And its pretty sad when I think that I'd actually miss Daniel more than I would my friends here IN Yuma. I don't know what to do.. I just know that whethere its soon or 4 years from now I'm moving to Bangor. Coz even if theres not a job opening as of now, there will be within the next few years and my dads taking it. And as long as I still have nothing here to stay for I'm going.. So I guess its better to go now then 4 years from now when it will be harder. Hopefully Bangor wont be too bad... Maybe I'll run into Stephen King somday. ♥

So my honey is staying in Yuma because he got a promotion!! Yay for him. The jerkoff Supervisor is leaving and Daniel's getting his job. I'm so happy for him! It's what he went to school for... Not to walk around the airport and pretty much be security. So when this jerk leaves in August Daniel's taking over. I'm so happy. I just hope that with this we'll still work similar shifts so I can still talk with him. I found out that that kid is pretty damn smart... Things he says sometimes make me feel slightly stupid. lol Little shit. Ah well I love him to death. ♥ Yesterday was the first day I'd got to talk to him in 4 days.. It was really bothering me too. Coz Tues. & Wed. I'm off, Thursday by the time he got in I was swamped with customers so I just got to see him, then Friday he was off too... :( Sucked. I missed talking to him, he always makes me laugh and after we talk I just can't stop smiling... God I can't stop smiling even know just talking about him... Urgh. Thank goodness he isn't leaving, but I REALLY need to try harder to get over him!

So I'm being nosey on Daniel's page today and I come across a comment from his sister and it says something about him not moving to the big D (Dallas)... I'm so happy he's staying but at the same time my heart breaks because I get the feeling he wanted to leave.. I don't know what happened but I feel for him.. Maybe he just decided he liked it here.. I dunno. I just get the feeling he doesn't love the job and i think he's a tad homesick.. Not that he'd admit that.. But whatever. Maybe theres a reason.. We'll see.. I'm just glad I'm not losing my friend.

I had the best night last night! lol I'm like so tired but so wired at the same time.. It's nuts! And I can't stop smiling! OK. So last night me and Veronica go to Manske's right? Well turns out everyone ended up going to Ron's Place so Jill's like, Ron's is dead.. SO we stayed and Manske's for a bit, but Me and Vero wanted to go coz Sergio & Daniel were at Ron's.. So we left and went to Ron's. For like the first half an hour we didn't even go near the guys and just hung out with the airport chicks. So like the whole time I can see Daniel and he can see me lol, and I just let him keep looking at me and acted as if I didn't see them or know they were there. (I was a little peeved with him.. Seeing him talking to that married chick from America West upset me earlier in the day) Then after awhile this chick from the restraunt Angie goes and gets Daniel to dance with her.. It bugs me because she ALWAYS dances with him. Urgh. So then Carmen drags me and Veronica out to dance with her so we're all having fun and like Veronica got Daniel to dance with her for a bit, then it turned into just a big group dancing. So after awhile (probably when the drink really kicked in) I got the nerve up to just go up to him so I could dance with JUST him.. And we danced the rest of the night just the two of us. Oh man it was so awesome!! He's so cute. At first he was like afraid to touch me or something but then after a little while it was all good. So at one point he like leans in to me and he goes "How come you don't dress like that?" And points to this chick.. And I thought he said "dance like that." And I was like "Dance like that? I dunno.. I can dance like that." And hes like "Noo.. DRESS like that" And I look at the girl again and I'm like "Are you kidding me? Look at me! I can't wear something like that!" (she was wearing like this thing that barely covered her boobs and tied in back, and a short ass mini skirt.) And he just kind of shrugged and i'm like "That would scare the hell out of people." And he shook his head so I'm like "Why, do you want me to dress like that?" And he gave me this look like "maybe." I'm like mentally thinking, wtf?! lol So then a little after this we're still dancing all close and Carmen comes up behind him and starts dancing so he moves in closer to me and puts his arm around me and pulls me right up against him *squeel*and we danced like that for awhile.. It was great.. ;) haha. Rubbing up against Daniel.. A dream come true. haha. It was fun though. He kept touching me though and like I watched him with the other girls and he'd barely touch them, but after like one song with me he'd like really touch me. But this is one of the best parts.. Well it could be a little better but still.. At one point during all of this he like looks at me and he just stared at me for a minute, and well I don't have a lot of experience in this field, but I think he almost kissed me... Coz he just kept looking at me then out of the corner of my eye I see Sprinter being a nutcase and apparently he must have too because he then changed his focus to Sprinter and that was the end of our moment. Fuck. But oh well.. I nearly dry humped Daniel so its all good. haha.

So things are finally looking up. I'm past that "whoa is me" stage I think. I'm tired of crying over Daniel. Really tired of it. I'm letting too much of this get to me and it needs to stop. So no more wollowing in my self pitty because the boy I love doesn't seem to love me back. If someday something happens between us then good.. If it doesn't then I guess its for the best. I can't say that I'm giving up on chasing after him soon, coz its not that easy.. But I am vowing that I will no longer shed another tear for him unless it comes up during our relationship, if we ever have one. I don't want to have my heart so broken over a guy that I can't even really call my boyfriend. So now I'm just me, back to that feeling of being confused.. But at the same time I wouldn't change our chemistry for anything. I laugh so much when I'm around him and it feels damn good to laugh. It's never dull. We get along great considering we don't seem to have anything in common what so ever. Even though it sucks to have to wonder everyday if I'm waisting my time, I can't imagine how dull things would be if I didn't have him. I'm at this airport 5 days a week now and 4 of those days he's here too.. When a flight comes in and I'm not busy he talks to me as he does his job and watches all the people get their luggage.. and if I'm busy.. He waits for me to be done then comes over. When he's bored he always manages to come to my counter. No one elses, just mine. For instance today.. His boss was there and he wasn't allowed to just hang out in their office.. So he's spent half the day talking to me. He could have been spending time with another girl, but he doesn't. He spends it with me. There was a ton of girls waiting on the delayed flights today and instead of being a typical guy and wondering around there to check them out, he hung out and talked to me. Times like these I feel like I just might be special to him. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.♥

So I found out why I was rejected.. I should have known all along that something like this was coming. Just in his actions. Last night Veronica told me some news and believe it or not I actually knew it before she told me. She told me that she had to tell me something about my "bunny" (little inside joke between us).. So I was like "Ok." And she's like "I wanted to tell you because you should know." And I was like "Theres someone else isn't there?" And she's like "kind of yes... But she's married.." And I was like "It's Kylie huh? The tall girl from America West." And she was like "Yeah." I should have known.. When I started noticing her being there is when everything between us changed. I just had this gut feeling that he liked her and I was right. Its like a chain. The one I love loves someone else that they can't have. She's married.. And married to a worship pastor non the less. She is completely in love with this guy and she isn't going to leave him.. Yet Daniel still wants her. Which is why everything changed that was happening between us. But at the same time now I know more of his type and the only comparison between us is height. I'm tall, shes tall. She as freaking skinny as him and has curly redish brown hair and blue eyes.. She's like the female version of him but blue eyed. This depresses me even more. His actions with me still confuse me but knowing that he wants her and that even if something happens with us I came second. Like he'd be with me just because he can't have her. I swear sometimes I hate him. I wish I could just ask him what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough for you? Why is she so special that your willing to give up on someone who cares about you for someone whos NEVER going to leave their husband for you? I may not be perfect, or gorgeous but I'm the type of person that when I give my heart to people its theirs no matter what. I'd be good to him and instead he'd rather throw that way. I'd love to say I'm done for good this time but its not easy. I just hope that not seeing him for awhile will help me forget about him.. Although if it does I have to risk all the feelings coming back once I'm back. I hate him so much right now, but at the same time I have so much love for him too.

Last minute last night the girls from the airport decided to go out.. So I wasn't going to go, but then decided to go.. Big mistake. I was feeling a little blue so I decided to have a drink and just have a little fun.. Well 3 long island iced teas and 3 Xrated shots later I was feeling pretty damn good. So Veronica takes me to Denny's with Carmen & Sergio... Big mistake.. The smell of all that food made my stomache turn and before I knew it I was making nice with the Denny's toilet. So then they take me home and I stumble in the house only to have to go make nice with my toilet next. That was so not fun. Now all day I've been feeling like making nice with the airport toilets but I don't want people to hear my puking. That's gross.. So I'm trying to keep calm. Urgh. No more alcohol for me. I can't handle this! Getting shitfaced is not cool, you just make an ass of yourself then hurl. What fun.

I feel so depressed today and it sucks. No matter what I do I can't seem to get Daniel out of my head. I try so hard to think about other things but everything leads up to him. I went out to the movies with Amanda last night and as much as I tried to concentrate on the movie, I still thought about him. WE went out to the movies back before all the drama. I think about him constantly and I just can not stop. I don't know what's wrong with me. He made it clear he didn't want me and still I hang on like a lost little girl. Of course its not easy to let go when everytime I talk to him anymore he flirts with me. When we used to flirt before the "lets just be friends" talk it wasn't a lot of flirting, just some here and there.. And now its heavy flirting. I want so bad to say something but I can't because I am embarrassed.. I mean what if he still feels the same, then he will just think I'm pathetic (which I am!) Ugh its so fustrating. Somedays thinking of him makes me happy and somedays like today it makes me just want to cry all the time. I don't understand why this guy is so hard to let go. There's nothing special about him. He's not my type at all, we're way different in nearly every aspect of life. So why the hell is it so hard to let go of him? I freaking hate this. I feel like I am so in love with him, like we've been dating for years and it just ended. Ugh...

Then to make matters worse... Last friday I pretty much got drunk and I found out that not only do I run my mouth when I'm drunk but I become a little frisky too. So apparently after we left Manske's and were by Veronica's car I started telling her and Carmen that I didn't understand why Daniel didn't show up because he could have taken advantage of me.... Then proceeded to lay on the floor. Well Saturday I told Sergio about it simply because I didn't know if Carmen mentioned it to him or not and I wanted him to hear my side and know that I couldn't control what I said and didn't even know why I said it.. Well I think the ass told Daniel.. Because Sunday when I was talking to Daniel Friday night got brought up and he made a comment like "I know EVERYTHING that happened." and looked right at me.. So I was like "I hope you don't know everything..." and he looks at me grinning and say's "Oh, I know EVERYTHING." Fuck. Just a little embarrassing. But I kinda covered my butt and made a comment about how alcohol makes me talk a lot and I don't even know why I say the dumb stuff I do.

Urgh.. *hits head on desk* This is FUSTRATING! It's making me hate life! Its just not fair. And no one seems to understand how I feel.. Its so hard to talk to anyone because they either tell me he's a jackass and just forget about him (obviously I can't) or they just say they're sorry or try to give me advance but more a less tell me I'm stupid for holding on...(which I am.. but I can't help it, its beyond my control I guess) I have no one to talk to to give me advice.. I don't know how to deal with this stuff... SO instead I whine on here... Who knows if people even read my bullshit. *sigh*

So the day started off the worst.. Up until the actual show I thought it was the day from hell.

It all started when I woke up..I was super tired. But I drug my butt out of bed and got ready. I left for Amanda's at about 6:45am and when I got there she wasn't ready... As always. (and yes it IS true Amanda.) So she finally got her butt in gear and we left and we first dropped her mom off then went to wal-mart so I could buy some ear plugs. (I'm trying to save my ears so I'm not deaf by the time I'm 30 lol) Then after that we went and got Starbucks then set off to head to Phoenix.. This is where it started going bad... The first place we went to to head to Phx was off of 16th.. And it was closed.. So then I was going to go to 24th and take off that way and Amanda tells me there is "no way to head towards the foothills that way.." I knew there was, I've gone that way I dunno how many times... I may not know street names sometimes but I can get myself around pretty damn well.. So to please her we went to Araby.. And guess what? That damn exit was closed too.. So then we had to go clear back to 24th street to hit and exit... I want to say that its the opposite side of Araby.. But I dunno.. I forget street names.. But anyways.. All this running around put us way behind schedual and we ended up finally leaving Yuma at almost 8:30.. Which didn't suck too bad because we didn't hit traffic and still made great timing. So we get into Phoenix and found our hotel easily and we go in and all they have ready is a smoking room.. So to save ourselves from waiting forever and a day longer we just took it.. So we go in and the rooms fairly decent looking minus a few burns on the carpet... So of course we go to use our bathroom and the damn toilet runs.. So lets put it this way, everytime one of us had to pee we had to fix the stupid thing so it would stop running.. What a pain in the rear end. And to top it off the tub was dripping water.. So we told the lady about it and she said she'd send someone up to fix it and we ended up leaving to go pick up the tickets from the Marquee. We get there and pick up the tickets and decided to go back to the hotel since there was a Denny's next door and there weren't a lot of people in line yet. So we go to Denny's and meet Amanda's cousin Stef and have lunch. Then after all that we go get into line. After burning in the sun for awhile we decided it would be best if we left our chairs in the line and just sat on the floor in the shade.. Seemed like a good idea.. and it was MUCH cooler.. Just one problem.. after sitting there for about 5 hours I got up only to realize that I apparently sat in something so I had a stain on my butt.. Just wonderful.. But I didn't care too much simply because I wasn't the only one who had the stain.. A lot of people sat on the cement and it was damn dirty.. So after 5 hours there they made up get into lines and out of the shade so all the people who had just got there cut a lot of us that had been there.. Which sucked. So we're stuck in the sun and standing around some more. So since we were next to a wall I kinda leaned on it at one point and didn't realize there was gum on the wall.. So I managed to get gum on the back of my shirt to match the damn stain on my skirt. So as if this wasn't bad.enough about an hour and half before they let us inside it pours down rain.. It went from being sunny and hot to dark clouds, wind and heavy rain. Then in typical Arizona fashion it rained just long enough to get everyone in line soaked and then it stopped. So after that we got to freeze and attempt to dry off. Then FINALLY they let us in, only to wait over and hour for the first band to finally begin. So eventually the opening band came out.. They were called The Outline and they were pretty rad. I liked them. Next was the Hush Sound.. They've got a good stage presence but their music doesn't really amaze me.. I thought maybe I'd like them better since this was my second time seeing them but it didn't really do much for me.. They're just ok.. Then finally the band I'd been through hell to see came out. Panic! At the Disco! Those boys are amazing. I can't say enough about how amazing their live show is. The first time I saw them they seemed all nervous and you could just tell that they were just starting out.. Now, they seem like pro's. They did every song off their album and they blew me away. Not to mention that Brendon is pretty much the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. That boy's voice is freaking amazing. I love it! The only thing that that sucked about the show was at since we were in front row there were a lot of people pushing so we got squished against the barricade.. Which you expect, but I had some dumb chick elbowing me.. Not very comfortable, but after awhile she stopped. Then we were by a group of little 14 year olds who were screaming "I LOVE YOU BRANDON!" Wha the hell you morons! If you love the guy so much don't you think you'd know his name is BRENDON not Brandon. *sigh* That was really annoying. Then the show was over and everyone started leaving then suddenly all the guys come running out and do a final bow.. It was funny.. Then they ran backstage again. So me and Amanda head out and go get our merch. I have to admit their shirts sucked but I needed one so I could cover my wonderful stain and the gum on me other shirt so I bought one and we went out to my car, got some water and I put on my new shirt. Then we headed over to the busses to see if the boys would come out. So after awhile they came out but security made us stay behind a baracade and we weren't allowed to take pics with them, just of them and we could only get one thing signed. So I decided to get them to sign my shirt since I was having trouble finding my ticket stub. So the guys get to where we were and the dumb girls infront of us wouldn't move so Amanda managed to get in and get the guys attention but I still got passed up because those girls were blocking me and too busy freaking out and hogging them.. But I was happy coz Amanda got there attention and when she handed Brendon the shirt he's all "Oh is this for me?" And shes like "nooo!" And he laughed then signed it and she's all "Smile Brendon!" And he makes this funky face and she took a pic of him and he goes "I don't smile coz I'm so emo.." It was funny. He's sarcastic. I love it. So I snuck around to the end of the line and one of the nice security guards let me go when I told him I got passed up. So I got to the line and they finally made it down to me.. Their new guy Jon passed me up again.. On accident I think but whatever.. I didn't mind. There were a lot of people talking to him at once so whatever. Then Spencer came over to me and I got him to sign my shirt and I asked for a hug and he was like "Sure." and hugged me. Then he was like "Thanks for coming guys." and left. Then it was Brendon...So he comes up to me and I'm like "Can you sign my shirt for me?" And he's all "Sure thing." And he signs it. Then I asked him for a hug and he's all "Yeah, sure." And he hugged me, and I mean really hugged me. both arms and squeezed.. It was sweet and as he was hugging me he was like "Thank you for coming!" He's such a sweetheart. So then he left too and finally Ryan came along. I asked him to sign my shirt and he did then I asked for a hug and he hugged me and before he left I was like "You guys were awesome tonight!" And he smiled and he was like "Thanks so much! Thank you for coming!" and he left too.. So I went back over to were Amanda was waiting and we took off and headed back to the hotel. When we got back there were wonderful dirty boot prints in the tub where they're worked on the toilet.. Which they failed to fix properly because it was still running after every flush. *sigh*. So after awhile we went to sleep. Then I got up and decided to take a shower.. It was nice to feel clean again except one problem.. The damn bath tub didn't drain water fast at all. So finally after about a half an hour the water finally drained out. I swear that was the worst hotel ever! Then after we both got up and ready we met Stef and went to the Fiesta Mall for awhile then headed back to Yuma. So needless to say this trip kind of sucked but seeing Panic! And meeting all the guys finally was awesome and well worth it all.

I saw Good Charlotte for the first time.. Aww.. The memories. lol
So not a whole lot has been going on lately. Just same 'ol airport drama and work drama. Joy. Monday night Daniel worked and he spent half the night at my counter. It was pretty fun.. But he flirts with me.. Which is even more fustrating because now I'm really confused. Why care and why flirt with a girl your not interested in? Blah. That boy drives me nuts.
THEN to make it worse Sergio calls me today and asks me what time he's picking me up. Ugh. So I told him again I didn't feel right about it and stuff and he's like "Ok.. Well you let me know when your not feeling guilty anymore." Oye. Is it ever going to end? lol
Now work. Wonderful 'ol Maria has managed to screw me over again.. Senority(sp?) my ass at this place. I've been here the longest, not to mention I do all I'm supposed to I come in early, stay late.. all of it and I got nothing I wanted.. But Cutter..Who's been here the least amount of time, got weekends off.. Isn't that nice? I still have no weekend days off, and I'm stuck STILL at Thrifty and working all weekend. Really nice of them huh? Especially since Maria said she told Neil what I wanted.. I'm hella pissed about that.. But Cutter doesn't care where he works and she fit it perfectly for me and him to just trade. So I hope it works out. I just love that I'm sure a good enough employee when they need me for junk but they can't return the favor and be good managers.. Maria mainly though.. Coz who know's what Neil has said about it.. So fustrating.

So I wrote Sergio back last night and more a less said no.. And he writes me back telling me to ask Veronica if it was cool.. Hell I know it would be cool but I don't want to go out with him! Ugh. Now I just have to tell him that since he didn't get the point. Grr.
Then to make things worse.. Daniel was flirting with me a little bit yesterday.. Then today he's been flirting a lot with me.. This is so fustrating.. I mean for someone who just wants to be friends isn't that kind of behavior a little strange? I'm getting mixed signals and its only making it harder for me to forget about him.. He's just making me fall all over again. *sigh* I don't know what to do and its killing me!!!!!

So today I come into work.. I'm greeted by Derrick and Sergio.. So we talked for a bit, then they left.. Then later Sergio comes back and talks to me for awhile, then leaves coz he was getting off.. So about an hour later I get onto my myspace and theres a message from him.. And he asked me to go to the movies with him.. I don't know what to do. I can't go out with him and now I'm afraid to call him. I can't believe that he even asked.. Ugh. I was hoping this was all just talk but apparently its not. Great. So sometime today I have to call him and give him the I just want to be friends speech.. Not exciting.. Why does it have to be him? Why can't it be Daniel? Urgh.

But today I introduced myself to the new Budget guy.. Man he is gorgeous. OoOo. haha.

So I know theres been something fishy going on with Daniel, Sergio & Sprinter.. What it is I don't know.. I think those guys just want girls for toys sometimes.. Someone to just mess around with whenever they're bored and not "living it up." Anyways. Daniel and I decided on friends.. Which was all good.. It was just hard for me to really accept it.. and in a way it still is.. But like the other day I sent him a message on myspace right? It was all joking around and harmless fun because I told him he was mean for not accepting me as a friend.. So he writes me backa nd is all telling me how he did it to try to make me "get the point" and that it didn't work.. Well yeah, I figured something was up.. Thats why I told him we needed to talk.. Duh. So anyways then he tells me some bullshit about how we can be friends and now that the dating issue is over we can be myspace friends too and crap and then he tells me something like "Just know that when I talk to you or say hi its just like the same as anyone else.. so don't get any ideas or anything.. Like I'm in love with the guy.. I mean yeah I kinda felt like I was, but I never did anything towards him or said anything to anyone but what I puton here, so he doesn't know jack about it.. But that whole comment pissed me off and I wrote him back and told him more a less that I wasn't some teenage girl pratically in love with him and that I didn't care what we were and that if he wanted to be my friend on myspace and in person then it was his call. Well he added me. But he sure didn't reply to the message. Jerk. He's so full of himself. But either way, why say all of that bullshit in the message when the whole time he practically lead me on making me think that something may happen.. He goes to the movies with us.. Then he tells me we'd go out and see what happens.. WHy didn't he just tell me that he wasn't interested when we had THAT conversation? It's bullshit. I know for a fact he thought about dating me and now he acts like he was never interested at all. And see the funky thing about all of this is that Sprinter is no longer seeing the girl he was seeing that works here AND Sergio and Veronica are obviously off.. SO part of me thinks that they just want to live it up and do as they please.. Grow the fuck up boys! But this moves me on to last night. I mean from what I've wrote so far he sure seems to act like he doesn't give a crap about me right?
Last night..
Veronica and I went with a bunch of the airport girls to this thing at Paradise Casino called The Thunder From Down Under.. Its a bunch of Australian guy dancers/strippers.. It was funny as hell. We had a blast.. So we leave there and I was going to go home but of the girls talked me into going to this bar called Ron's Place.. So we went. I get there and who's car do I see? Daniel's. I was like "Great." So we all go in and I see him and I knew he saw me but I played it off like I didn't see him and we ordered a drink.. So after we get the drink my eyes somehow managed to meet him and he kinda smiles and waves to me so I smiled and waved back. SO I was like Ok.This is good because he had talked to me earlier and now he waved so I guess this friend's thing wont be so akward after all.. I kinda just pushed my bitterness out of the way and just said "fuck it." So we stayed quite a ways away from them and we were just laughing and talking.. It was fun.. But everytime I looked over in Daniel's direction he was just like looking at me.. So I blew it off.. Then eventually we started dancing.. And he was STILL watching me. So after awhile Sergio comes up and starts dancing with me and I didn't want to dance with him so I tried to make it a group with him, Veronica and another chick.. But that didn't work and he kept pulling me closer to him.. So again I look over and Daniel's still staring at us.. All he did for like an hour and a half was watch what we were doing. Then a little while later one of the girls from the airport restraunt drug him out to dance and they came over to where we were and started dancing. And what did he do but still watch me and Sergio.. He tried to make it less obvious but yeah... Didn't work so swell. So then Sprinter comes over and him and Sergio trade so I danced with him for a bit then Sprinter like takes me hand and leads me infront of Daniel and starts dancing with the Veronica, which is who Daniel was dancing with.. That was a little weird. But I just kinda went with it. Then soon I somehow ended up back with Sergio and he like goes around me and puts his hands on my waiste and dances with me.. And I looked up to see where Daniel was and what was he doing? His mouth kinda dropped and then he just smiled and did the same thing to Veronica... But the whole time he still kept watching what was I doing.. Kinda funny since he doesn't want me and all.. and I shouldn't be getting any ideas about anything... I hope it made him jealous. He should realize that I liked him a lot and well I happen to think I'd make a great girlfriend. lol.. His loss. At one point Sergio even asked me "What's up with your boy?" And I'm like "My boy?" And hes all "Yeah.. Daniel." And I'm all *shrugs* "Fuck that." and Sergio laughed and I was like "His loss." And its true. Maybe he was regretting his words last night. And I hope he was. But me being as stupid as I am actualy noticed all of this and cared about it when I shouldn't be.. For this I need to be smacked for.. But at the same time when it crossed my mind last night all I could think about was his words in the message he sent me... Fucker. Why does he have to do this?

When the guy one of your best friends went out with and still sort of likes, turns out to like you more? That guy Sergio that my friend Veronica was seeing apparently likes me.. He actually had the nerve to ask her if it would be ok if he asked me out.. It's so fustrating.. At first I never took the things he'd do or say seriously.. And I actually thought it was just a game to make her jealous.. But now its serious.. He comes and talks to me all the time and now he's asked her permission to ask me out.. I'm just suprised.. And like last Monday he told me that there were 2 people that "wanted me." Well the way he hinted around to it was more a less saying that it was him and Sprinter... So to make it even worse, if thats true, then both Daniel's friends want me but he doesn't... Nice huh? But then I can't get rid of this feeling that maybe the whole reason he decided to just be my friend is because of the Sergio thing. I mean hell he lied to me about Daniel saying I was following him one day.. and he even commented on how he was just trying to get him in trouble... I don't know.. Maybe I am just fucking crazy and making shit up in my head.. But all the signs and things I heard pointed to Daniel liking me.. I find it funny how it all stopped once Sergio started his stuff.. Thats when he got all weird on me.. He stopped talking to me as much as he once did and he'd only flirt with me when we weren't around Sergio.. I'm going to be one pissed off girl if I find out thats the real reason I got rejected.. I fell so hard for Daniel and Sergio knew I liked him a lot.. To know that he may have jepordized that hurts. Me and Sergio will NEVER be. He's got to know this.. Hes a good friend, but thats all thats in our cards.. I'm dreading seeing him.. As it is he called me the night he asked Veronica's permission.. But I didn't answer coz my ringer was off and I didn't know he called til later. Why are things working out this way? Why does he have to be the one to actually say he wants to go out with me.. Why can't it be Daniel.. Fuckin' A I hate this. Maybe I am fucking making up crap in my head about what I really want to hear. Either way its messed up. I hate being in this possition.

I go to get my hair cut today and for the first time ever its come out horrible.. And I'm not talking like my layers aren't long enough.. I'm talking half my hair is effing gone. I go in to get it cut like right to my shoulders with a lot of layers.. I come out with it being about 2 inches off my shoulders! I'm soooo pissed.. My hair is so short that it wont even go into a ponytail! The girl went freaking cutting happy or something. So needless to say I'm not a happy camper.. I feel like my hair is like a boys haircut! Gah.. First I get rejected and now I get the haircut from hell.. Jooyyy.. What else is going to happen? Fudge.

BUT there is one little bit of good news.. Theres a new guy working at Budget.. And well hes a hottie.. haha. Betty's going to try to hook me up.. Eep. Hopefully this one goes better. But at the same time its still hard to think of anyone.. Daniel is still on my mind.. :(

To have your heart completely broken. I'd been hurt somewhat before by dissapointment and junk.. But last night I really got it.. I was rejected.. I wish I would have listened when people threw fucking hints at me.. But I didn't.. I just kept my faith in him thinking that it was going to go my way.. Afterall people thought the signs were there..
So last night.. Me and Veronica go to Manske's.. I only went because I knew Daniel was going to be there and well, I wanted to be around him.. Stupid me. So we show up and he like comes walking over to us along with Sprinter.. And Veronica hugs him so I'm like "Are you going to show some affection to me?" And hes like "Sure." And he hugs me.. Only made me think that night was going to be good... So the whole night hes like staring at me and Sprinter kept looking at him, then at me.. It was kind of weird.. So eventually were all dancing and I kinda kept away from him coz I was nervous but whatever.. We were having fun.. So finally a bunch of people leave from the table and the seat across from him was open.. so I look at him and he looks at me so I go sit across from him.. And we kinda talked a little.. Even flirted.. I thought this was going to be really good.. Stupid me again. So finally they call the last song and its a slow one so I'm like "C'mon Daniel. Lets go dance." And hes like "Ah, Its a slow one.." And I'm all "So? C'mon." And hes does.. So we dance. Being in his arms felt so great.. We were laughing and talking.. I thought it was so perfect. Stupid me yet again. I was so freaking happy.. All this time and I FINALLY had him holding me. So the song finishes and we start walking back and I put my arm around him and I'm like "Don't be afraid to touch me jeez." And so he puts his arm around me really tight." and we walked back to the table. I was on cloud freaking 9. Now comes the rain. SO we're all standing around waiting to leave and I'm like "I think we need to talk." And hes all "Uh no.. This doesn't sound good." And I just started asking him what was going on.. Were we stand.. And you know what he said? "I like you, were friends... I have fun with you." And I'm like "Well.. Is this just a friend thing or will I ever get a date.. I mean should I just find someone else or is there something here?" And he kept saying "Your putting me on the spot here." And I was like "Well I want to know..This has been going on a long time.. I just want to know what's going to happen.. You said you'd call me and we'd see what happenens and you didn't call me." And hes like "This is true." And I was like "Yeah.. So.." And hes like "We're friends.." And I'm all "Ok.. Were friends." And hes all "I don't want to upset you or anything." And I'm like "Daniel, its not like I'm going to go home and cry myself to sleep." And hes like "yeah.. Don't do that." And I kinda laughed and was like "I'm not. Its ok.." So yeah. That was just a hell of a fucking converstation there.. All the things people told me, all the flirting he did only to tell me he just wants to be my god damn friend? How nice. So I lied to the ass.. After we left I bawled my damn eyes out. I still want to cry. I know its not worth it and we weren't even dating.. But its like all this time I thought there was something there and I just fell for him harder and harder only to have my heart crushed. Now I have to face him today.. I don't know how thats going to go.. I still have these strong feelings for him and looking at him is only going to reply last night. I hate this. I just want to crawl in a ball and cry alone in my room.

What do you do when the guy your friend was dating forgets about her and starts inviting you places and telling you that your hot? I can't find a nice way to get this guy away from me.. And to make it worse? He's Daniel's friend.. So not only is this guy jepordizing my friendship with my one of my good friends Veronica, hes jepordizing anything potentionally happening with Daniel. Thank you Sergio.

So its probably not a secret to most of the people that read this thing.. If you don't know then I'm telling you now. I'm 21 years old.. I've never had a boyfriend before.. Let alone kissed a guy. I mean the farthest I've got is a hug. Big deal. I don't know why its been this way but it has.. I guess I just don't meet standards to guys here or something.. And the ones that do come my way are too old, or in the recent case kind of an ex to a good friend of mine.. So yeah. No luck.. whatever... But today I got to thinking.. Its really sad.. My 17 year old brother has lost his virginity.. I knew this a while back but it was a one time thing.. Then now hes got into this relationship with this other girl.. So now not only has my brother beat me as losing the big V... hes beat me to a relationship.. THEN my mom tells me this morning that she thinks they're having sex now.. So to top it off, my brother is getting action on a regular basis also. I know boys tend to have a lot of this happen earlier on then girls.. But god, nothing like making me feel like a loser. I can't even get a kiss and my little brother is having sex. It just puzzles me. But it worries me too.. I just don't know if they're being safe and my parents are worried too... The last thing I want is my brother having a kid before me too... *sigh*

So onto a little different subject. Sergio didn't talk to me yesterday.. I'm glad for it.. I feel weird around him.. Very weird. I talked to Daniel a little this weekend. He puzzles me too.. I just will never get him.. I told him that too and he said it was good.. He liked being different. haha. Well its good, different is good.. But hes on a fustrating level with me. My good 'ol pal from work Cutter gave me some boy advice yesterday. HE told me the next time we go out.. have a few drinks.. then have him dance with me or go out to say goodbye to me.. So when we're close he told me to just kiss him.. He said that way you can just go for it and tell.. If he backs away then you know he doesn't want it.. if he lets me then he wants it.. and if he backs off I can use my "too much to drink" thing as an excuse so it wont be awkward. But I dunno.. I'm nervous about something like that.. But Cutter was like just do it.. Then you know where you stand to him.. If hes into you he'll like it coz he could just be thinking I've lost interest or hes just too scared to make any of the first moves. Blah. I hate this. But at the same time I just want a way to know! I want to know whether me hanging on to pretty much nothing is worth my time or not.